I saw my first campaign commercial for the 2008 election last night. It was for Mitt Romney. It didn’t say much about him - just showed him jogging around a suburb in his shorts. He’d got up in the morning before people were out and about and was getting a little run in before beginning his day. He looked a little sweaty, like he’d been going for a while - but he wasn’t winded. He was used to this shit - no problem. The voiceover said look at Mitt Romney here; he can run all damn day. Betcha McCain or Fred Thompson can’t do this.

Is this what we’ve come to? Are the candidates nothing more than celebrities now? Who cares about what they plan to do once they’re in office; let’s just see which one is the coolest. Sure seems like it’s headed that way.

So here’s what I propose: have all the candidates take the millions of dollars they’ve raised and are going to raise and use it as an entry fee for a triathlon. The winner of the triathlon gets to be declared President. The money raised from the entry fees can go to a worthy cause - like investing in renewable energy or finding a cure for Alzheimer’s. It doesn’t really matter much which cause you choose; it’ll always be better than giving the money to the media conglomerates.

The first event in the triathlon will be a standard foot race. They’ll all be tested for performance-enhancing drugs and then go for 2 miles. Flat surface track, moderate weather conditions. First one across the finish line gets 10 points, last one across gets eliminated from the competition.

The second event will be marksmanship. They’ll be given a rifle and have to engage pop-up targets at 50, 100, 250, and 500 meters. No break between the first event and this one; just proceed directly. There will be a total of 40 targets and each candidate will have their own set. But they’ll all follow the same randomly generated pop-up sequence. And while they’re shooting, volunteers will pelt them with one-month-old rotten eggs. No flinching is allowed. As before, the winner gets 10 points and the person in last place is eliminated.

Final event - no limit texas hold ‘em poker tournament. Ten grand buy-in. Again, no breaks - either before the event begins or during. If they have to piss, they can hold it. If they get tired, too bad; we’ll go all night if we have to. Winner takes all - and also gets to be President. Losers walk out to the sound of jeers and boos, their heads hung in shame.

I think it makes a lot of sense. I’m gonna start a petition tomorrow. Who’s with me?