It couldn’t possibly last, we made sure of that. They thought, yeah, we’ll get them in with the offer of an All-You-Can-Eat salad bar and before you know it they’ll be ordering burgers and fries instead. But we didn’t fall for that, nuh-uh, went straight for the buffet. Every time. Ate plates and plates and then ate some more. Ate them silly. They never knew what hit them. We were like teenage Tasmanian eating machines, whirling round as we ate, food flying in all directions. The fools, they had no idea who they were dealing with. Those poor, sorry, bastard fools.

It was Wendy’s SuperBar. It was like $2.50 or something, ridiculously cheap, and what you got was incredible. A full salad bar of course - but that was only if you wanted to waste your time eating vegetables all day. We went straight to the second section, off to the side - it was a pasta bar. Maybe 3 different types of pasta and an equal number of sauces (2 red, 1 white), parmesan cheese, and garlic bread. Then there was a third section: make your own burritos and tacos. Had the hard shells, 2 sizes of soft tortillas, ground beef, refried beans, shredded cheese, guacamole, and all the other fixins. All-you-can-stuff-in-your-fat-face were the terms of the deal, and we certainly kept our side of the bargain. Just kept going back up. Waddled out to the car when it was over. Wendy’s no longer has a SuperBar, not for many years now, and I take pride in being a small part of the cause of their demise. They won’t try that again soon, I guarantee you.

That was many years ago. I still think of myself as a skinny punk and I’m still pretty hyper in the head but my metabolism has slowed down quite a bit since then. I no longer compete in contests with friends to see who can eat more (despite being known for that, I always lost. I guess I was probably the only one dumb enough to continue taking on different contenders when I wasn’t even the champ). I still like buffets because they’re usually a good value but I no longer attack them as if they’ve offended me and I must have my revenge. I just eat what I want, then go in peace.

Probably the most appealing thing about buffets is the freedom. When you’re sitting at a nice restaurant and looking at the menu, there will be many things that look appealing. You have to narrow it down and pick one. With a buffet there’s no choice to agonize over; you have it all - the whole world before you, right there. You’ve said goodbye to the civilized rules of behavior, goodbye to restraint and decorum, goodbye to prudence and modesty and judgment. Here’s the piles of food - have at it as if you were Henry the Eighth, gesturing at people with a giant drumstick and sloshing wine on your shirt as you drink.

The biggest buffet in the world is just down the road from where we live. Asiana Grand Buffet on Hendersonville Road. Huge place and nice decor; a mid-level Chinese warlord with excellent taste in decorating could have lived in there. Lo mein, fried rice, orange ribs, baked chicken, meatballs, fishballs, pork dumplings, breaded calamari, wonton soup, hot-and-sour soup, sushi, dim sum, meats on a stick, meats all rolled up, fresh fruits all cut up, soft serve ice cream sundaes, and flan. And plenty more - they must have about a hundred different things to eat in there. But feel free to skip the salad bar - it’s just for show. I’m meeting the wife there in a bit so I’ll have to restrain myself: pretend to be semi-civilized. But I didn’t get a chance to eat lunch today and all this food talk is getting me hungry. In fact, here I go now.